Alexa. 18. Cool as fuck, basically. I basically only like all time low, a day to remember and tumblr. Hence why I'm cool as fuck.
I follow back. :)
strong.I know I haven’t shown my face around tumblr lately, however Twitter’s 140 character limit isn’t enough to get this thought out cohearently:
I understand it’s all cool on the internet to say that “Oh dude, I RAPED you in Call Of Duty last time” or “Tebow is gonna RAPE the Patriots” or for some…
I know I haven’t shown my face around tumblr lately, however Twitter’s 140 character limit isn’t enough to get this thought out cohearently:
I understand it’s all cool on the internet to say that “Oh dude, I RAPED you in Call Of Duty last time” or “Tebow is gonna RAPE the Patriots” or for some reason jokingly saying someone is trying to rape you or any other joking use of the word rape. I may have even used such a horrible word so wrongly, I’m sorry if I did. I understand the gut-wrenching feeling this word can evoke to people who know first hand it is not a joke.
I’m not one to try and get sympathy and it’s hard to share but maybe by letting out what I’ve been holding in, someone reading this can understand. Maybe the little girls harassing me will stop.
I was molested. I have never said that out loud ever. After years of feeling like what was being done to me was wrong, I reached out and was told I that I was too young to understand and I was misinterpreting things or straight out that I was a liar. I spent a long time convincing myself that I did make it up, I had no right to feel this way. I blocked it out. I can only remember bits and pieces of it now but the feelings never went away. I was a scared, hurt little girl and she had to grow up too fast. I know I made a lot of bad choices and I’m not making excuse for those mistakes, but those days after school before my mom got home from work, shaped me more than I knew.
This August, the 8th, a Friday night, my brother had a party and three of his friends raped me. I wasn’t dressed like a “slut” or acting like a “whore,” I wasn’t asking for it, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want it then change my mind, I lead no one one, I didn’t do anything wrong, I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t cheating and got caught. No I didn’t go to the police at first. I was doing what I thought would make it easiest for me to heal. I’ve heard what’s been said behind my back and even to my face. The amount of people who I have slept with in the past does not change what happened to me. No person from a child to the holiest nun to the busiest prostitute in town deserves this. No woman or man should have to deal with anyone touching them in a way they do not want. After the night I was raped, one of those guys chose to stalk me. It started just suggestive texts, and moved to driving past my house, showing up at my job, and sending me the video of that night in August. I didn’t tell anyone, even my boyfriend, I didn’t want anyone to worry or not believe me. In October, I came home from work and he was sitting outside my house. He tried to force me to give him oral sex. To some people what happened that night isn’t considered rape, to me it wasn’t either and but I still felt dirty. I tried to block it out until about 2 weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night and he was in my room. I pulled myself together and went to work that day. I accept that this was my life now. I would never be safe again. After leaving work, he was there again. He believed I went the the cops and told me I wouldn’t be as lucky as I was last time. He had a gun and held it to my head and told me he wouldn’t be as “nice” to me as he was before. He held to that promise, to put it bluntly, he beat the fuck out of me. My ribs were broken, my kidney was bruised, maybe I could have fought back. I’m 4’11” and around 98 pounds. I could not have defended myself from a 6’2 or so, maybe 200 pound man with a gun. You can judge me all you want, I didn’t fight back at all, when someone is pointing a gun at you who just do what your told. I took it hoping I’d be able to go home and see my daughter again.
I started to drive home and I decided that I was going to kill myself before he could. I couldn’t do this again. An amazing friend called me calmed me down and convinced me to press charges this time. When I was in high school, a really good friend of mine was raped, I went with her to court everyday, as the man who raped her and his laywer told the courtroom she was a liar and whore and that she wanted what happened. I wiped away her tears after her rapist was aquitted. I did not believe I was strong enough to live through that. I had already been told I deserved it. But I gathered up everything little drop of strength in me and my brother drove me to the hospital. A rape kit is nearly as bad as the act of rape itsself. You get photographed, poked and proded. You’re incredibly sore and you have to keep being touched. You have to keep telling the horrible story over and over and over. You’re asked if you swear its the truth. Describing a face you’ll never forget. I DID fight back. My rapist is now dead. I’ve dropped charges against the other 2. I didn’t do it because I’m lying. I did it because there wasn’t enough evidence to survive a trial. Those are the facts. The people who have judged me and said such horrible things to me opinion won’t change. If you believe I deserve it then you’re just an evil person. And to those that wished this on me, I pray it never happens to you because you will never be as I strong as I was. I’m in a hard place in my life, and this weighs me down every day.
To my original point, rape is a strong word. When I hear to downplayed, I take it personally. To me rape isn’t a joke. Just hearing the word makes me shake, it brings tears to my eyes, it paralyzes me. It brings me back to those horrible nights. The people I hear saying it don’t know my story and they don’t know the pain saying it brings. You don’t know who around you has been to scared to stand up. Our society encourages holding it in. When a woman comes forward, a million excuses are made for her rapist, she’s doubted and brought back down. You don’t need to bring her down more with your words.
I apologize for my lengthy ramble and any spelling and gramatical errors. I just needed to let this out and to anyone who listened, thank you.
Must be following:
Plus I always follow back!
On the outside I’m like:
but on the inside i’m like:
It really hurts when your parents criticize you and make you feel like you’re a huge failure and that you’ve really disappointed them. :(
this this this this this this this and this :(
(via strawberry-unicorn)
(Source: charliemcdonnellss, via years-young)
